haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
