Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
its liver damage thursday
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
