I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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