you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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