Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
