the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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