He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
