How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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