I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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