1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
