i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
