She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
