Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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