his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
