yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
