you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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