when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
