if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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