no, he came in my armpit
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
