life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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