i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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