I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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