So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
