In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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