Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
