all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
