well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
