1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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