i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
