I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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