I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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