she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
