I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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