So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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