He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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