It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
