Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
