sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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