I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
be right there i have to get my cape
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
