i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
FUCK WHALES
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