i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
