Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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