I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
