The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just had sex on a roof
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
