I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
