Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
