the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
