i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
