There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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