we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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