2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
