I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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