so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
