On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
