Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
