did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
